Daddy's Girl

if anyone has ever met my dad they know that he does not hold back and he says it like it is… must be where i get it from. i love my daddy for many reasons but i love that his relationships are built on honestly even if it is brutal honesty.

the friends that i have and are really close to have all seen my true colours and most have been on the receiving side of my brutal honesty and look we are still friends and better ones at that. with that being said i did NOT put my family on blast on Facebook… those on the outside reading what i wrote agree with me… i was just stating that sometimes i feel left out or not important… and i have to right to voice that. the saying out of sight out of mind should not include people in my opinion and i felt that way by SOME of my family. SOME SOME SOME! do you get the important word in that sentence if not its SOME.

I just feel that the holidays have really turned into lets just swap money and get it over with. I'm sorry i won't do it! i feel putting thought into things is more important.

with that being said I'm not ungrateful and at!! i appreciate that my boys are thought of and that they do get "gifts" from the family picked out by me they don't understand it anyway yet. i was just simply saying that i miss the way it used to be and i wish it could be that way for my children… i never said that it was going to be that way again. we have all moved and i understand its not the same and it won't be but that dose not mean i can't hope.

so cell phones are not part of the day anymore GOOD… but that does not change the attitude of not longing to be there. theres still the missed excitement. i don't know how to put it with out people feeling I'm putting them on blast…. I'm not and if you feel that way then I'm sorry your misunderstanding what I'm saying. all I'm saying is time has changed and it saddens me. times have changed EVERYWHERE not just in the house of my own family… but thats the one thing i have to compare it to.

all i was worried about this year was gosh i don't have the money to send gifts home this year and i don't have the money to make a big celebration out of it… then i realise that should not matter. i was just saying that it didn't used to be about swapping money or watching the clock… it used to be about hugs and love and i feel that as a human race we have lost that. i don't like getting gifts on Christmas HONESTLY i love giving and so i was sad i was not able to do so… i feel as tho i let people down and they think I'm not thinking of them, i then had to realise that me giving or receiving has nothing to do with it and thats what made me think about what once was and what now is.

i was not saying anything i said to hurt anyone or upset anyone i was saying that i feel the world including my family has lost the meaning of christmas. i miss playing games with family and chit chatting over dinner… i miss the closeness… even before people moved away it changed and its at no fault of anyones it just is what it is. and i still stand by everything i said. i don't even know where to go from here. honestly i wish i was home with my daddy just being and enjoying the day to reflect… no pressure! he's one lucky man!

i was saying that after not being there for so long that everyone including MYSELF took it for granted and after not being able to be there i wish i was able to. thats it! i just feel that when things you grow so used to are not there anymore you realise how much it meant to you… even if it was the "cool" thing to do to sit and watch the clock… if i can't be who i am with family then who can i be myself with. if i feel the joy and the wow factor of the holiday has slipped a bit then i should have every right to share that.

it was not a my family sucks blog it was a i wish they saw what i saw looking in… it was a i wish they understood that maybe someday it won't be an option anymore… and not take it as a chore but to step out of the comfort of todays views and truly get to know each other.

il say it again I'm sorry i suck at anything to do with expressing my emotions… we all know english was my worst subject as I'm sure can be told by the perfect spelling and grammar in all my blogs… but it was truly a i wish i had what you have and i wish you could see that it could be so much better.. not a my family sucks i need a new one…. take it how you want

want to talk to ME about it my phone is on!

i still love the ones i feel belittle me and lack respect for others i just want them to know that their actions hurt and obviously i have hurt some with my actions and again that was NOT my intension. I'm learning that my idea of respect which is the truth no matter how harsh is not the view that other people see as respect… i can't help what your opinion is of respect but i can say thats all this was written with in mind.

love and peace

sorry I'm not sorry

my last blog got a lot of people in an uproar and i really honestly 100% don't get why… it was written out of truth and how i honestly feel that my immediate family just does not fit in with the big family anymore… apparently i should have listed names but i don't think thats necessary. I'm not upset at those that confronted me about it because it gave me a chance to explain things they had issues with what i do have issues with is people taking it out on my mom who had nothing to do with it. "your making my mom upset" last time i checked your mom is my moms mom and if anyone upset her it was me… so point your blame else where!

the only thing i can think that upset people is that it was the god honest truth, and that sucks when people point things out that we may not be proud of … but i said loud and clear i was just as guilty as everyone else so i don't get how there was any fault there. and for those proving me wrong with your this is what goes on now… what part of i have not been there the past 2 years to see that do you all not understand?? i was sharing my experience from the last one i attended…

just because i generalised does not mean that every single sentence was pointed to someone in particular …. so when i say i didn't cards its because i didn't… its not my fault that you chose not send them out… its something thats important to me and i chose to send them out… but there are family members that i KNOW send out cards because i see other family members get some and i don't… thats what i was referring to.

i ended with saying i don't care how jacked up it is i would still rather be there then here… but yet I'm still in the wrong… just proves my point if you ask me.

ho ho ho and a Merry Christmas

family?

"Merry Christmas" its supposed to mean so many things besides what is in the boxes under the tree. with this blog i might hurt some family members feelings or maybe give them a wake up call who knows but honestly it needs to be said and I'm tired of pretending its not something that bothers me. I was not raised to sit back and just let things happen.

I remember growing up and Christmas meant that we (the WHOLE family) stayed the night at my aunts house and all got up and enjoyed the whole day together. yes we opened gifts but we prayed and celebrated all that we had and the family around us. We as kids did believe in Santa and my family did a lot to make sure we did but Christ was also a name that was used on that day. Our family would spend hours together enjoying each others time and celebrating.

since we have been in Germany the last 2 Christmases and now since its so close to my due date i again will miss getting to spend it with family and this makes me SUPER SAD! but sadly i don't think anyone else seams to care! the last christmas i did go to no one wanted to be there… we didn't enjoy each other company we just put up with it. there is so many people in my family that other people just deal with. it really honestly makes me sad! we sat around waiting for food, ate in separate rooms in front of TVs and with phones in our hands texting and facebooking. i was guilty of this too i have to admit. the cousins that i don't see very often except for around this time of the year can't even remember peoples names in our family and everyone laughs it off… its not funny! no one has a camera out to remember this joys gathering because no one wants to be there.

while in Germany not once did i get a christmas card from family and this year i have gotten one card…. ONE from a friend… an amazing friend but from a friend. when i would call on the holidays to talk to everyone it was so awkward… it was like me and my family were on a first date and there were all sorts of awkward silences. there are people in my family that have never met my oldest son who was 18 months old when we moved… theres no reason for that! i love my family and i log for the holidays and birthdays we had when i was growing up.

i don't get while Christmas has become a task or a chore instead of a treat and a HOIDAY like its supposed to be, i also don't get why no one else seams to feel this way. now that my kids are a little old (4 and almost 3) i feel it is my job to show them what family and love is all about. but i don't get that love feeling anymore.

we now have the family that lives right down the street from each other and never talk… don't even know whats going on in each others lives… we have the family that in my opinions feels they are far superior then the rest of the family. we have the family that blames the rest of the family for their non-existent in our lives anymore. then you have my little family that longs to be there and misses all of them and feels nothing in return. i don't even know what my cousins look like anymore and I'm pretty sure they would not know my kids if they ran into them on the street.

i sit here writing this about my moms side of the family and realize that all these years growing up we were the "non existent" family to my dads side… over the past few years I've become closer and know more about my dads side and i wish we would have been closer growing up. just reflecting on christmas past and christmas present makes me not look forward to christmas future and that hurts my heart in so many ways! i know this is a bunch of rambling and again going to throw stones at some people but I'm over being forgotten and I'm over that fact that i feel that because of the army we have been put out of mind simply because we were out of sight for so long.

i love my family all of them no matter how stuck up or blaming of others they are, no matter how many pity partys they throw for them selves. i love them and i want them to be a part of my life! i want christmas to be a time to look forward to. even if its over Skype because of money or distance and new babies being born. if it weren't for my grandma I'm not sure anyone would be getting together on christmas she's the glue in our family and i love her more then words can express.

what happened to all the family reunions and birthdays and random get togethers we had when my generation was little… now that we are big our kids are really missing out! i feel bad for my boys and my cousins boys because they will never know the embarrassment of all wearing matching PJs sitting on the stairs on christmas eve with all the cousins for a photo… or the loud adults playing poker while the kids are trying to figure out all the new toys they just got. or holding hands as a HUGE connected family and praying together before a big meal prepared together to share. its sad really i miss Christmas, and i feel that i am just going to have to start new traditions, but I'm a baby and i don't want to… i want things to be the way they were.

well i have rambled and rambled and after reading some of what i wrote i don't want to come across as I'm blaming my family… I'm blaming the world… the technology… the thought behind the holiday now… i blame distance between us, but i just feel that the connection we used to have should be strong enough to over come all that.

with all that being said I wish my family every one of them a very Merry Christmas and i really hope that next year the Hayes clan will get to join in person… even if it is eating with grumpy faces and no photos taken and phones in everyones hands… because at least we will be together… thats all i long for… and i feel like some take it for advantage is all. Miss and love you all!

Thankfulness

I have been doing the count down to Thanksgiving on Facebook by posting what I'm thankful for everyday. I have not done the last few days, because to be honest I have had a hard time with it. Moving from Germany we took a big "pay cut" and then we have been dealing with a hotel that WAY over charged us on our stay. I am a cheapskate by nature and not having money in savings for the "just in cases" of life really bothers me. It always seams that "when it rains it pours." Its been storming so bad that I feel bad for the boys. I have even been thinking lately how selfish it is of Brett and I to bring yet another kid into this world when we are pinching pennies so bad.  I want better things and nicer things but I have to remind myself that I don't NEED them. 

I want a new couch that is actually comfortable to sit on and that has a hide away bed so that family can be comfortable when they come to visit. I am thankful I have a couch and a living room to put that couch in. I know that family that come to visit will just be thankful for a blow up air mattress to sleep on and Im thankful that I have family that want to see my boys and us. I want so bad to give my boys a better room and space to be their own, but I am thankful they have used beds to lay their heads on at night and I am thankful that they have a warm house to sleep in as well. 

We need to either get Jourdon a new bed or the baby a new crib and I've been stressing about it as well as getting me a breast pump, but I KNOW it will work out. The bed and/or crib can wait until Dylan grows out of the bassinet and by that time we will have gotten our tax return. 

I am still contacting this hotel on a daily basis and I just have to say I am thankful that God has given me a patient and "understanding" attitude, I get angry to my self and have posted some angry statuses but I will say I have been very good at keeping my composure with the owner. I just keep telling my self you never know, you don't know their side. "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy" Psalms 103:8

I also cant help but look at my boys and be so thankful they are healthy and don't seam to be effected by the added stress of finances. They sure know how to read mom tho and Kaleb is such a sweet caring boy, he knows when I'm sad or worried and tries so hard to make it all better. Jourdon is just mommies little clown and keeps me on my toes and laughing. I am thankful that they get a long 89% of the time and are amazingly well behaved when we leave the house. I am so thankful that kaleb has this want and need to learn new things. I love that Jourdon is way more care free than I am or will ever be, he reminds me of Brett in so many ways. I am thankful that I am able to take them to church and they get a little bit of God in their life every week. I am thankful that they are both excited to be big brothers and cant wait for Dylan to get here. 

There are things that I pray for all the time and one is that Brett will too some day see God as real and not "something for the weak". With that being said I am thankful that he accepts me and my faith, I love that he is okay with me and the boys going to church and even asks the boys what they learned. He's not against it, he just dose not want to participate. I am thankful that he at least has an open mind, which is more then what he had 5.5 years ago, when we got married. 

I have SO MUCH to be thankful for and I need to stop thinking about the what ifs and look at whats right in-front of me. "Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gifts" 2 Corinthians 9:15

is your heart in the right place?

             This post is brought to you by the book 'Bad Girls of the Bible' by Liz Curtis Higgs. Specifically the chapter on being generous for the right reason. It refers to the story in Acts 5. Basically its talking about being generous, but doing it to get the respect or acknowledgement of others. 

              I will say it does not flow... its random thoughts in random order so bare with me :)

              I will be the first to say that I am awful at tithing. I never seam to have cash on me, because we just use our debt card. I am that person that looks around thinking "gosh I hope no one notices the fact that I have just passed the plate the last 5 weeks".  When I do remember to bring money though I never feel that I care if people notice. 

              In the story it’s basically about how Ananias said he was telling people he gave more than he did. The sin is not keeping some for him self the sin was him not relying on God to provide, he held some of the money back "just in case" and he lied about it. He died on the spot after lying. "What made you think of doing such a thing? You have not lied to men but to God" Acts 5:4 

              I get it but I'm a cheap skate and I always like to have money "just in case" and trusting that the lord will provide is not hard UNLESS it has to do with finances (for me anyway). What if the tier blows and we have no savings? What if... I know God is there and provides, but HOW, how in the world can anything be done IN THE MOMENT right then and there.... well hum in the world (this world) that God created... wow I feel little

              When I do good I feel good and I like to share about it... dose that make the good doing not so good any more? kind of, if I’m doing good just to share with others what I have done and not WHY I have done it... what good am I really doing? 

               "Pride and generosity don't mix" some times when giving we expect something in return... I can honestly say that I don’t always expect something because I do get the point of giving. I don’t always need my name on what I have done... sometimes though its nice but I need to learn I don’t even need it sometimes. giving is fun if done with a giving heart and not a glorified one 

               "Learn to give when nobody's looking" I can do that and have I just need to do it more and not concern myself with what others are thinking about me and how my walk is effecting the choices I make when giving to others. My biggest issue is sometimes I don’t have anything to give, or at least that’s how I feel. But I have so much compared to some... I have a house and a loving family... giving does not need to be material items... I can ALWAYS give time... even with a family full of small needy children. 

             I guess I need to remind my self that even if I don’t have the money to give I have my time, my gifts and talents that the Lord has given me to share with others in his name. I also need to NOT ignore the feeling of needing to help others and just do it, and know that God will provide.

             

Back in Business!

Yesterday i did my first photo-shoot here in washington. Since Facebook down grades photos so bad ill post a SHORT preview of my shoots on here as well. I had so much fun with this family and they showed me 2 great locations here to shoot at.  Here are a few of my favourites from the shoot

I just love when the whole family is willing to have fun with the shoot!

Ketchup

Okay lets play a little bit of “Ketchup” yes I’m being punny. First off my last blog post was a note to my oldest on his 3^rd birthday and now he’s 4. WOW a year can just skip right on past you if your not careful. His younger brother is now 2.5 and there is another baby brother on the way due in January.

We moved from Germany to Washington State. We have not been here long in fact I just unpacked the last box today. Settling into our home has been fine but the area is HUGE I am so lost all the time and never know where im going or coming from. I have not taken any photo shoots since moving here but I have my first one scheduled for this weekend.

After leaving Germany we went to my home town to spend some time with friends and family and lets just say that sadly the saying “out of sight out of mind” apparently applies to people as well. Oh well I guess I move on and just keep on going.

On the way here from Kansas City we went to the Omaha zoo and stopped in Yellowstone and just took our time and enjoyed the drive instead of being rushed. It was a fun unplanned family vacation. The boys did amazing in the car… I’m sure the DVD players in the seats had NOTHING to do with that ;).

Washington really is pretty and I’m looking forward to meeting new people and starting yet another chapter in our military book of life. I really want to get back into blogging so here’s to hoping I can remember. I credit all the inspiration and longing to get back into blogging to my Bamberg Bestie Suzy!

Well that’s all for my ketchup blog I’m sure ill touch more into these life changing events in later blogs J

Here are a few pics from our family drive across country: