family has really been on my mind a lot lately (obviously from my last posts) but its just the simple fact that i really thought moving back state side meant more time with them... money and time and miles seam to still be in the way of that.
our first duty station was Fort Riley Kansas and was only2 hours from home so it was really not that big of an adjustment. then moving to Germany was a huge adjustment but i had an AMAZING network of friends there and it did not take long at all to build that up. Here i have one close friend and I'm not starting to see why army wives can be a bit bitter sometimes. let me just say if i hear anyone say "you knew what you were getting yourself into" to me again i might kick them in the teeth... then i think its not their fault they don't know.
let me put it into perspective a bit... and as always i might come across bithcy but i guess thats just my demeanour but i really don't mean it that way. and for those that think i lack respect for others obviously we have a different definition of respect. treat others the way you want to be treated and i think i do a dam good job at that.
being a military wife means asking how high how far and how many times when the army says jump. it means hearing "duty first" all the time and knowing that the army is his wife and I'm the mistress. it means when family is far that some holidays are spent with just you and the kids and a computer screen. it means that 1/2 literally 1/2 the time your husband is gone and most likely in a war zone... in the 5 years of marriage brett has been away from me for a total of 31 months... it means being mommy and daddy to my kids when he's not here. let me clarify i do not and nor will i ever consider myself a single mother! even when he is away, because i still have his emotional and finical support and i still have his love for me and my boys. it also means sometimes you don't know until you have hours to prepare... it means knowing that he knows things he can't tell you and he keeps things from me that he has seen knowing i probably could not handle it.
so with all that SHORT and BRIEFE description let me just say that until you've walked in my shoes don't try to tell me I'm in the wrong with the way i think.
be thankful for your time with your family no matter how hollywood movie perfect is or not... thats all i was saying was cherish the time you have with them... even if its awkward or weird because people have changed. you might not see eye to eye with everyone but who cares... at least your there and get to see them... next year they might not be able to come due to millions of reasons or they might not be on this earth anymore. step out of your comfort zone and get to know your family because some day they won't be there. make the unwanted awkward phone call (which guilty as charged I've been avoiding the phone... knowing people want apologies they are not going to get) i don't care that you don't understand what I'm trying to say and i don't care that it came out bitchy, i felt it i needed to say it and there it is on the table take it or leave it... but i am me and i love you all no matter what. there might be days i don't like you but i always miss you and wish i was there to be mad at you face to face and not from a distance.
^^ totally didn't even mean to go into that again... but when i start typing my feelings come out so I'm going to leave it... thanks daddy for that <3
on another note... being a military wife is not all sadness and worry its an awesome way to meet people and see places that i never would have... i 100% think that brett and i have a better marriage then what we would have outside the Army... we have learned to depend on just each other because thats all we have had at times. we know each other so well and my trust for him is over the moon. i thank the army for a different kind of family. a family that has walked in my shoes and a family that knows the pain of distance and time apart. the family that just because they may not be blood the bound i have with them might be stronger then those that are. i have also grown in my faith i slip ALOT but i have sisters who are there to catch me and help me though.
at the end of the day i have learned that the ONLY one who's opinion of me and my actions actually matters is God himself. As long as i talk to him and i feel good about it then i am fine and i keep on trucking. His grace is what keeps me going some days... his Mercy is amazing and i know that i can always look to him to repair the damages i may have caused and get refuge in him for my actions...
"open up the skies of mercy, rain down the cleansing flood, healing water rise around usher our cries lord let em rise .... we can feel your mercy falling, you are turning our hearts back again, hear our praises rise to heave, draw us near lord meet us here. ..... and its your kindness Lord that leads us to repentance your favour lord is our desire! and its your beauty Lord that makes us stand is silence... your love... YOU LOVE IS BETTER THAN LIFE!" <-- some of the lyrics of 'Kindness' by Chris Tomlin
