if anyone has ever met my dad they know that he does not hold back and he says it like it is… must be where i get it from. i love my daddy for many reasons but i love that his relationships are built on honestly even if it is brutal honesty.
the friends that i have and are really close to have all seen my true colours and most have been on the receiving side of my brutal honesty and look we are still friends and better ones at that. with that being said i did NOT put my family on blast on Facebook… those on the outside reading what i wrote agree with me… i was just stating that sometimes i feel left out or not important… and i have to right to voice that. the saying out of sight out of mind should not include people in my opinion and i felt that way by SOME of my family. SOME SOME SOME! do you get the important word in that sentence if not its SOME.
I just feel that the holidays have really turned into lets just swap money and get it over with. I'm sorry i won't do it! i feel putting thought into things is more important.
with that being said I'm not ungrateful and at!! i appreciate that my boys are thought of and that they do get "gifts" from the family picked out by me they don't understand it anyway yet. i was just simply saying that i miss the way it used to be and i wish it could be that way for my children… i never said that it was going to be that way again. we have all moved and i understand its not the same and it won't be but that dose not mean i can't hope.
so cell phones are not part of the day anymore GOOD… but that does not change the attitude of not longing to be there. theres still the missed excitement. i don't know how to put it with out people feeling I'm putting them on blast…. I'm not and if you feel that way then I'm sorry your misunderstanding what I'm saying. all I'm saying is time has changed and it saddens me. times have changed EVERYWHERE not just in the house of my own family… but thats the one thing i have to compare it to.
all i was worried about this year was gosh i don't have the money to send gifts home this year and i don't have the money to make a big celebration out of it… then i realise that should not matter. i was just saying that it didn't used to be about swapping money or watching the clock… it used to be about hugs and love and i feel that as a human race we have lost that. i don't like getting gifts on Christmas HONESTLY i love giving and so i was sad i was not able to do so… i feel as tho i let people down and they think I'm not thinking of them, i then had to realise that me giving or receiving has nothing to do with it and thats what made me think about what once was and what now is.
i was not saying anything i said to hurt anyone or upset anyone i was saying that i feel the world including my family has lost the meaning of christmas. i miss playing games with family and chit chatting over dinner… i miss the closeness… even before people moved away it changed and its at no fault of anyones it just is what it is. and i still stand by everything i said. i don't even know where to go from here. honestly i wish i was home with my daddy just being and enjoying the day to reflect… no pressure! he's one lucky man!
i was saying that after not being there for so long that everyone including MYSELF took it for granted and after not being able to be there i wish i was able to. thats it! i just feel that when things you grow so used to are not there anymore you realise how much it meant to you… even if it was the "cool" thing to do to sit and watch the clock… if i can't be who i am with family then who can i be myself with. if i feel the joy and the wow factor of the holiday has slipped a bit then i should have every right to share that.
it was not a my family sucks blog it was a i wish they saw what i saw looking in… it was a i wish they understood that maybe someday it won't be an option anymore… and not take it as a chore but to step out of the comfort of todays views and truly get to know each other.
il say it again I'm sorry i suck at anything to do with expressing my emotions… we all know english was my worst subject as I'm sure can be told by the perfect spelling and grammar in all my blogs… but it was truly a i wish i had what you have and i wish you could see that it could be so much better.. not a my family sucks i need a new one…. take it how you want
want to talk to ME about it my phone is on!
i still love the ones i feel belittle me and lack respect for others i just want them to know that their actions hurt and obviously i have hurt some with my actions and again that was NOT my intension. I'm learning that my idea of respect which is the truth no matter how harsh is not the view that other people see as respect… i can't help what your opinion is of respect but i can say thats all this was written with in mind.
love and peace
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
sorry I'm not sorry
my last blog got a lot of people in an uproar and i really honestly 100% don't get why… it was written out of truth and how i honestly feel that my immediate family just does not fit in with the big family anymore… apparently i should have listed names but i don't think thats necessary. I'm not upset at those that confronted me about it because it gave me a chance to explain things they had issues with what i do have issues with is people taking it out on my mom who had nothing to do with it. "your making my mom upset" last time i checked your mom is my moms mom and if anyone upset her it was me… so point your blame else where!
the only thing i can think that upset people is that it was the god honest truth, and that sucks when people point things out that we may not be proud of … but i said loud and clear i was just as guilty as everyone else so i don't get how there was any fault there. and for those proving me wrong with your this is what goes on now… what part of i have not been there the past 2 years to see that do you all not understand?? i was sharing my experience from the last one i attended…
just because i generalised does not mean that every single sentence was pointed to someone in particular …. so when i say i didn't cards its because i didn't… its not my fault that you chose not send them out… its something thats important to me and i chose to send them out… but there are family members that i KNOW send out cards because i see other family members get some and i don't… thats what i was referring to.
i ended with saying i don't care how jacked up it is i would still rather be there then here… but yet I'm still in the wrong… just proves my point if you ask me.
ho ho ho and a Merry Christmas
the only thing i can think that upset people is that it was the god honest truth, and that sucks when people point things out that we may not be proud of … but i said loud and clear i was just as guilty as everyone else so i don't get how there was any fault there. and for those proving me wrong with your this is what goes on now… what part of i have not been there the past 2 years to see that do you all not understand?? i was sharing my experience from the last one i attended…
just because i generalised does not mean that every single sentence was pointed to someone in particular …. so when i say i didn't cards its because i didn't… its not my fault that you chose not send them out… its something thats important to me and i chose to send them out… but there are family members that i KNOW send out cards because i see other family members get some and i don't… thats what i was referring to.
i ended with saying i don't care how jacked up it is i would still rather be there then here… but yet I'm still in the wrong… just proves my point if you ask me.
ho ho ho and a Merry Christmas
family?
"Merry Christmas" its supposed to mean so many things besides what is in the boxes under the tree. with this blog i might hurt some family members feelings or maybe give them a wake up call who knows but honestly it needs to be said and I'm tired of pretending its not something that bothers me. I was not raised to sit back and just let things happen.
I remember growing up and Christmas meant that we (the WHOLE family) stayed the night at my aunts house and all got up and enjoyed the whole day together. yes we opened gifts but we prayed and celebrated all that we had and the family around us. We as kids did believe in Santa and my family did a lot to make sure we did but Christ was also a name that was used on that day. Our family would spend hours together enjoying each others time and celebrating.
since we have been in Germany the last 2 Christmases and now since its so close to my due date i again will miss getting to spend it with family and this makes me SUPER SAD! but sadly i don't think anyone else seams to care! the last christmas i did go to no one wanted to be there… we didn't enjoy each other company we just put up with it. there is so many people in my family that other people just deal with. it really honestly makes me sad! we sat around waiting for food, ate in separate rooms in front of TVs and with phones in our hands texting and facebooking. i was guilty of this too i have to admit. the cousins that i don't see very often except for around this time of the year can't even remember peoples names in our family and everyone laughs it off… its not funny! no one has a camera out to remember this joys gathering because no one wants to be there.
while in Germany not once did i get a christmas card from family and this year i have gotten one card…. ONE from a friend… an amazing friend but from a friend. when i would call on the holidays to talk to everyone it was so awkward… it was like me and my family were on a first date and there were all sorts of awkward silences. there are people in my family that have never met my oldest son who was 18 months old when we moved… theres no reason for that! i love my family and i log for the holidays and birthdays we had when i was growing up.
i don't get while Christmas has become a task or a chore instead of a treat and a HOIDAY like its supposed to be, i also don't get why no one else seams to feel this way. now that my kids are a little old (4 and almost 3) i feel it is my job to show them what family and love is all about. but i don't get that love feeling anymore.
we now have the family that lives right down the street from each other and never talk… don't even know whats going on in each others lives… we have the family that in my opinions feels they are far superior then the rest of the family. we have the family that blames the rest of the family for their non-existent in our lives anymore. then you have my little family that longs to be there and misses all of them and feels nothing in return. i don't even know what my cousins look like anymore and I'm pretty sure they would not know my kids if they ran into them on the street.
i sit here writing this about my moms side of the family and realize that all these years growing up we were the "non existent" family to my dads side… over the past few years I've become closer and know more about my dads side and i wish we would have been closer growing up. just reflecting on christmas past and christmas present makes me not look forward to christmas future and that hurts my heart in so many ways! i know this is a bunch of rambling and again going to throw stones at some people but I'm over being forgotten and I'm over that fact that i feel that because of the army we have been put out of mind simply because we were out of sight for so long.
i love my family all of them no matter how stuck up or blaming of others they are, no matter how many pity partys they throw for them selves. i love them and i want them to be a part of my life! i want christmas to be a time to look forward to. even if its over Skype because of money or distance and new babies being born. if it weren't for my grandma I'm not sure anyone would be getting together on christmas she's the glue in our family and i love her more then words can express.
what happened to all the family reunions and birthdays and random get togethers we had when my generation was little… now that we are big our kids are really missing out! i feel bad for my boys and my cousins boys because they will never know the embarrassment of all wearing matching PJs sitting on the stairs on christmas eve with all the cousins for a photo… or the loud adults playing poker while the kids are trying to figure out all the new toys they just got. or holding hands as a HUGE connected family and praying together before a big meal prepared together to share. its sad really i miss Christmas, and i feel that i am just going to have to start new traditions, but I'm a baby and i don't want to… i want things to be the way they were.
well i have rambled and rambled and after reading some of what i wrote i don't want to come across as I'm blaming my family… I'm blaming the world… the technology… the thought behind the holiday now… i blame distance between us, but i just feel that the connection we used to have should be strong enough to over come all that.
with all that being said I wish my family every one of them a very Merry Christmas and i really hope that next year the Hayes clan will get to join in person… even if it is eating with grumpy faces and no photos taken and phones in everyones hands… because at least we will be together… thats all i long for… and i feel like some take it for advantage is all. Miss and love you all!
I remember growing up and Christmas meant that we (the WHOLE family) stayed the night at my aunts house and all got up and enjoyed the whole day together. yes we opened gifts but we prayed and celebrated all that we had and the family around us. We as kids did believe in Santa and my family did a lot to make sure we did but Christ was also a name that was used on that day. Our family would spend hours together enjoying each others time and celebrating.
since we have been in Germany the last 2 Christmases and now since its so close to my due date i again will miss getting to spend it with family and this makes me SUPER SAD! but sadly i don't think anyone else seams to care! the last christmas i did go to no one wanted to be there… we didn't enjoy each other company we just put up with it. there is so many people in my family that other people just deal with. it really honestly makes me sad! we sat around waiting for food, ate in separate rooms in front of TVs and with phones in our hands texting and facebooking. i was guilty of this too i have to admit. the cousins that i don't see very often except for around this time of the year can't even remember peoples names in our family and everyone laughs it off… its not funny! no one has a camera out to remember this joys gathering because no one wants to be there.
while in Germany not once did i get a christmas card from family and this year i have gotten one card…. ONE from a friend… an amazing friend but from a friend. when i would call on the holidays to talk to everyone it was so awkward… it was like me and my family were on a first date and there were all sorts of awkward silences. there are people in my family that have never met my oldest son who was 18 months old when we moved… theres no reason for that! i love my family and i log for the holidays and birthdays we had when i was growing up.
i don't get while Christmas has become a task or a chore instead of a treat and a HOIDAY like its supposed to be, i also don't get why no one else seams to feel this way. now that my kids are a little old (4 and almost 3) i feel it is my job to show them what family and love is all about. but i don't get that love feeling anymore.
we now have the family that lives right down the street from each other and never talk… don't even know whats going on in each others lives… we have the family that in my opinions feels they are far superior then the rest of the family. we have the family that blames the rest of the family for their non-existent in our lives anymore. then you have my little family that longs to be there and misses all of them and feels nothing in return. i don't even know what my cousins look like anymore and I'm pretty sure they would not know my kids if they ran into them on the street.
i sit here writing this about my moms side of the family and realize that all these years growing up we were the "non existent" family to my dads side… over the past few years I've become closer and know more about my dads side and i wish we would have been closer growing up. just reflecting on christmas past and christmas present makes me not look forward to christmas future and that hurts my heart in so many ways! i know this is a bunch of rambling and again going to throw stones at some people but I'm over being forgotten and I'm over that fact that i feel that because of the army we have been put out of mind simply because we were out of sight for so long.
i love my family all of them no matter how stuck up or blaming of others they are, no matter how many pity partys they throw for them selves. i love them and i want them to be a part of my life! i want christmas to be a time to look forward to. even if its over Skype because of money or distance and new babies being born. if it weren't for my grandma I'm not sure anyone would be getting together on christmas she's the glue in our family and i love her more then words can express.
what happened to all the family reunions and birthdays and random get togethers we had when my generation was little… now that we are big our kids are really missing out! i feel bad for my boys and my cousins boys because they will never know the embarrassment of all wearing matching PJs sitting on the stairs on christmas eve with all the cousins for a photo… or the loud adults playing poker while the kids are trying to figure out all the new toys they just got. or holding hands as a HUGE connected family and praying together before a big meal prepared together to share. its sad really i miss Christmas, and i feel that i am just going to have to start new traditions, but I'm a baby and i don't want to… i want things to be the way they were.
well i have rambled and rambled and after reading some of what i wrote i don't want to come across as I'm blaming my family… I'm blaming the world… the technology… the thought behind the holiday now… i blame distance between us, but i just feel that the connection we used to have should be strong enough to over come all that.
with all that being said I wish my family every one of them a very Merry Christmas and i really hope that next year the Hayes clan will get to join in person… even if it is eating with grumpy faces and no photos taken and phones in everyones hands… because at least we will be together… thats all i long for… and i feel like some take it for advantage is all. Miss and love you all!
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