"Merry Christmas" its supposed to mean so many things besides what is in the boxes under the tree. with this blog i might hurt some family members feelings or maybe give them a wake up call who knows but honestly it needs to be said and I'm tired of pretending its not something that bothers me. I was not raised to sit back and just let things happen.
I remember growing up and Christmas meant that we (the WHOLE family) stayed the night at my aunts house and all got up and enjoyed the whole day together. yes we opened gifts but we prayed and celebrated all that we had and the family around us. We as kids did believe in Santa and my family did a lot to make sure we did but Christ was also a name that was used on that day. Our family would spend hours together enjoying each others time and celebrating.
since we have been in Germany the last 2 Christmases and now since its so close to my due date i again will miss getting to spend it with family and this makes me SUPER SAD! but sadly i don't think anyone else seams to care! the last christmas i did go to no one wanted to be there… we didn't enjoy each other company we just put up with it. there is so many people in my family that other people just deal with. it really honestly makes me sad! we sat around waiting for food, ate in separate rooms in front of TVs and with phones in our hands texting and facebooking. i was guilty of this too i have to admit. the cousins that i don't see very often except for around this time of the year can't even remember peoples names in our family and everyone laughs it off… its not funny! no one has a camera out to remember this joys gathering because no one wants to be there.
while in Germany not once did i get a christmas card from family and this year i have gotten one card…. ONE from a friend… an amazing friend but from a friend. when i would call on the holidays to talk to everyone it was so awkward… it was like me and my family were on a first date and there were all sorts of awkward silences. there are people in my family that have never met my oldest son who was 18 months old when we moved… theres no reason for that! i love my family and i log for the holidays and birthdays we had when i was growing up.
i don't get while Christmas has become a task or a chore instead of a treat and a HOIDAY like its supposed to be, i also don't get why no one else seams to feel this way. now that my kids are a little old (4 and almost 3) i feel it is my job to show them what family and love is all about. but i don't get that love feeling anymore.
we now have the family that lives right down the street from each other and never talk… don't even know whats going on in each others lives… we have the family that in my opinions feels they are far superior then the rest of the family. we have the family that blames the rest of the family for their non-existent in our lives anymore. then you have my little family that longs to be there and misses all of them and feels nothing in return. i don't even know what my cousins look like anymore and I'm pretty sure they would not know my kids if they ran into them on the street.
i sit here writing this about my moms side of the family and realize that all these years growing up we were the "non existent" family to my dads side… over the past few years I've become closer and know more about my dads side and i wish we would have been closer growing up. just reflecting on christmas past and christmas present makes me not look forward to christmas future and that hurts my heart in so many ways! i know this is a bunch of rambling and again going to throw stones at some people but I'm over being forgotten and I'm over that fact that i feel that because of the army we have been put out of mind simply because we were out of sight for so long.
i love my family all of them no matter how stuck up or blaming of others they are, no matter how many pity partys they throw for them selves. i love them and i want them to be a part of my life! i want christmas to be a time to look forward to. even if its over Skype because of money or distance and new babies being born. if it weren't for my grandma I'm not sure anyone would be getting together on christmas she's the glue in our family and i love her more then words can express.
what happened to all the family reunions and birthdays and random get togethers we had when my generation was little… now that we are big our kids are really missing out! i feel bad for my boys and my cousins boys because they will never know the embarrassment of all wearing matching PJs sitting on the stairs on christmas eve with all the cousins for a photo… or the loud adults playing poker while the kids are trying to figure out all the new toys they just got. or holding hands as a HUGE connected family and praying together before a big meal prepared together to share. its sad really i miss Christmas, and i feel that i am just going to have to start new traditions, but I'm a baby and i don't want to… i want things to be the way they were.
well i have rambled and rambled and after reading some of what i wrote i don't want to come across as I'm blaming my family… I'm blaming the world… the technology… the thought behind the holiday now… i blame distance between us, but i just feel that the connection we used to have should be strong enough to over come all that.
with all that being said I wish my family every one of them a very Merry Christmas and i really hope that next year the Hayes clan will get to join in person… even if it is eating with grumpy faces and no photos taken and phones in everyones hands… because at least we will be together… thats all i long for… and i feel like some take it for advantage is all. Miss and love you all!
Hey sweet friend, I hear what you're saying. When we went to Thanksgiving this year we sat at a dinner table with my brother's family who is also in the military, left out. My brother and I are both having a hard time reintegrating into our HUGE Irish family. We have 20 first cousins, no we aren't Catholic.lol Every time I call to check up I'm always hearing about one of the other great grand children, and unfortunately Thanksgiving was focused on the great accomplishments others had achieved. Nobody asked us about Germany. Nobody took interest in Sadie or Radley, two sweet kids they hardly know thanks to the military. Jon and I said to each other we probably won't be making special trips up just for those family functions if we're just going to end up at a table outside of the "inner circle" with my dad, stepmom and brothers and sisters. We can do that at my Dad's house! lol. I think the military affords us great experiences, one of those being able to forge our own holiday traditions. It's hard in the military to keep up the effort of staying in touch, especially if you're the only one making the effort. As it stands, we live 3.5 hours away from "home" so far, the only people to visit us have been my Mom and Grandma, and Jon's Dad. We've done all the driving, we've done all the maintaining.
ReplyDeleteAll of that to say, I hear you. Unfortunately, I think this is the nature of the beast that is the military life. Merry Christmas friend! Miss you! Much Love!